STAND UP COMICS' FUNNIEST LINES

I saw this in the latest issue of Reader's Digest September 2008 page 50-53 so I thought I would share some here.

Jerry Seinfeld:
So they're showing me, on television, the detergents getting out bloodstains. I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it. maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.

Ellen DeGeneres:
Have you seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time...

Steve Martin:
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Bill Cosby:
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what you think - in a deeper voice.

Roseanne:
I will CLEAN HOUSE when Sears makes a vacuum you can ride on.

Roseanne:
Men can read maps better than women. 'Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.

Robin Williams:
The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams:
You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you're 18. By the time you're 80, it's a picket fence.

David Attell:
Garbagemen come at 5 AM. Why? They're picking up garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

Bob Hope:
You know, MARRIAGE is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.

Jay Leno:
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Jay Leno:
NASA says they have proof that parts of Mars were once submerged under water, which means it could have supported life. Of course, water doesn't always mean intelligent life - you remember Baywatch?

Jeff Foxworthy:
You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

Mike Birbiglia:
What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand maths.

Joan Rivers:
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Conan O'Brien:
LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their US factory and moving it to mexico. LEGO employees sya it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.